TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically noted for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely from place. Designed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Of course, confident, let us have One more location wherever American men can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: give All people a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable electric power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he really should prevent employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from House, a feature getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents and the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental Trump Tower Damascus groups have submitted lawsuits just after getting the making's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It is really not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where guests might ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Not sure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, just lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is previously attracting awareness from international investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll obtain 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level will even include:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where by my PTSD may have switch-down services."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Views from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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